Anyone who has been leading teams for a few years will likely have realised something: the higher you go, the fewer honest mirrors you have. People look to you for clarity, steadiness, direction — and you give it. But it means you don’t always get the space to think out loud, test ideas or explore what’s really going on beneath the surface.

And it can feel vulnerable to ask for input for yourself. You’re supposed to have it all figured out, right?

When I was in a senior leadership role, I felt that too. I wanted to be at the top of my game. I understood how much leadership shapes a team, a culture, a business. I wanted to lead well, not just competently.

And that’s what led to one of the most important decisions I made in my career: I called in an expert.

I remember lying awake night after night, staring at the ceiling, replaying conversations and decisions and deadlines. My body was tired, but my mind was wired. I was buzzing, looping, bracing.

During the day, I looked capable and composed.
At night, I was overwhelmed and overstimulated.

I kept thinking, if I could just get some space, I’d be able to think.

But when the space finally came (usually in the early hours of the morning) my brain wasn’t available. It was foggy, tense and running on adrenaline.

It took me a long time to realise the issue wasn’t time.
It was the state I was in.

You can’t think clearly when your nervous system is in survival mode.